I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
You Might Also Like
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good