The Onion called it…again.
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense