We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening