My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Something Saturday.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.