The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.