First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.