I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
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Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious