I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
this… may be the greatest story ever told
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.