You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you