had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
You Might Also Like
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Usage Guidelines
nobody’s gonna understand
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”