[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
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Dudes named Chance never had one.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.