[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
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Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
This is the coolest video you will see today.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel