*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
You Might Also Like
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again