me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
You Might Also Like
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”