I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
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a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
The Weeknd is back
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.