Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
i really liked this one
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.