I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
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10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment