I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
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I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
How do you milk an almond?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate