What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
the three branches of government
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”