Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
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Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Kids: Stay in school.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!