Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.