Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
You Might Also Like
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.