Never go to sleep after making me angry
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something