[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.