I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Any refunds available?…
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.