Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
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i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir