I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.