Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
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The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Rich people don’t understand cereal
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.