relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York