100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.