People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
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me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.