– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
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Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
When your man makes a valid point
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My brain is a bad influence on me
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”