It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.