This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
i can’t wait that long
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”