Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”