My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”