You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
tourist season
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought