The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
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[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.