Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
there’s probably a fee though
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.