I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I love wikipedia
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
23. the denim jacket
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.