Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
They’re the worst 😩
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.