I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
that’s really how it is
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.