Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.