I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor