If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
All generalizations are stupid.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
In space, no one can hear…
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Ok but actually
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-