I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
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When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.