My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
🤣✨#caturday
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling