It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever