The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.