GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’